Polygamy

One night, somehow coming to the topic of contrasting beliefs, my host sister Fatma challenged Western monogamy. In Kenya, it is perfectly acceptable to have multiple wives. For a Muslim man, he may marry up to 4 women. Tribally, a man can marry as many wives as he pleases. There do exist men with more wives than there are days in the month.

Fatma told me she is completely fine with polygamy, and even prefers a society where it is available. Her reasoning was that a man had needs. The way his mind works often means he requires the satisfaction of more than one woman (speaking of human male instincts, that’s a pretty good argument). I tried out some hypothetical situations on her:

Me: If a man already had one or more wives, would you marry him?
Fatma: Yes, if he is able to support all of us.

Eli: If she was the first wife and a man married another, would she be OK with that?
Fatma: Yes, as long as he treats us all equally.

From those two questions and the ensuing discussion I came across the unwritten rules of polygamy. The man must be able to support each wife and must treat equally. She was completely fine with the idea as long as he provided for her everything she needed.

Eli: So what about love? That is something you would need him to provide, right?
Fatma: Of course!

Eli: Would you be concerned about favoritism?
Fatma: A person cannot love any two people in the same way. A man should love each of his wives differently but equally. But, according to how a wife performs (interpret that however you will), he might spend more time with some than others.

Eli: Since a man can have multiple wives, shouldn’t a woman be able to have multiple husbands.
Fatma: No, no, no. You see, men and women are different.

That was it. We’re different. She went on to describe that men and women have different needs.

Fatma: You see, a woman cannot handle many men, but a man can handle many women. Besides, there are many of us, and few of you!

I disagreed with both. Biologically, the first part of her statement didn’t really add up. As for the male-female balance in the world…I don’t recall there being a huge excess of unmarried woman roaming around.

Culturally, or more specifically religiously, polygamy is completely acceptable. I asked a coworker, Zuhura, about polygamy. Zuhura is very well educated and, like Fatma, a Muslim.

Zuhura: (in a careful, thoughtful tone) Because of my religion, I do believe in polygamy. I cannot go against the word of Allah. But because of the situation today, I do not agree with it. (She later explained that “the situation today” involved STDs, spousal abuse, and the spread of liberalism and women’s rights)

My conversation with Fatma, and her firm belief in and even preference of polygamy, was eye-opening. It is not the first time that I’ve talked to a Kenyan about a controversial topic, and heard their unwavering support for something that I unconsciously disagree with. They love their culture, and they believe strongly in their religion, and they want you to listen to what they have to say so that you might even end up agreeing with them!